(A truly pointless rant.)

Life isn't fair, I won't sugar coat it, because I don't believe that we have all the power in the world when it comes to our own lives, sure, we can influence it and shape it, but some of us were just born with certain predispositions to be royal screw ups. 
No, this isn't a post about how eating disorders are genetic and how certain chromosomes 'turn on' in specific situations - like an energy deficit, trauma, or stress and wala, here, a body and mind destroying illness that feels like a comforting hug at first*.
I don't bathe in my tears and sorrows anymore, because frankly, I have always been more of a pissed off person who rages, rather than wallows (not that there's anything wrong with a bit of a cry break). Yeah, I have anger issues. But these anger issues fuel my recovery, they give me power and strength. 
I think we often try to find a reason why we have an eating disorder, we do a lot of soul searching, blaming ourselves for the circumstances we got ourselves into, which isn't very productive - in fact, I am of the belief that this can further re-traumatize us and screw with us (hindering recovery), because instead of going: oh fuck, those people/situations were really messed up and I don't think I deserved all that, we go: oh fuck, since this seems to be a cycle, something must be wrong with me.
I'm here to tell you, as an individual with a shitload of trauma, it's just not that simple, if it were, people would run into their first toxic situation and it would never become a cycle. 
Sure, some of us look for drama and trauma, but that's simply due to comfort. Trauma, drama and comfort? That doesn't go together . . . what? 
I'll give you an example: If you grow up in an unstable or funky environment (absent parent, divorce, disorders, illness, whatever), maybe you get bullied at school, maybe you get sexually assaulted/abused/harassed, you might end up looking for similar patterns later on in life, especially if you were put into these chaotic situations early on in life.
What do I mean by similar patterns, hey, anon, do you mean I'm out here looking to get harassed? No, but maybe to a certain point used. 
If you grow up in a fucked up environment, or constantly seem thrusted into situations that would send anyone into a mental institution or a full on crisis, your self worth, perception and identity get skewed. I think we end up looking for toxic behaviors, because they feel like home, they feel comfortable, if you know you're going to get harmed, there's no surprise. It's stable. Getting abused becomes the equivalent of stability, something that traumatized us and messed up our self worth, suddenly becomes our identity. 
Our self worth is no longer determined by our personality, it's now determined by how useful we can be to our abuser, maybe that abuser is yourself, especially if you're seeking risky behaviors. 
Somewhere, the lines blur, and what was once a nightmare becomes day to day, even if you know you distain it, it can become almost addictive. It becomes a behavioral pattern.
Maybe you even end up developing a mental disorder that makes you seek these things out even more, or takes everything up a notch. 
I'm not saying that you need trauma to have an eating disorder - you don't, you can have a loving family, great friends, a god-sent partner and still have one, you're just as valid if this is the case. 
I'm just saying, that life is rough, especially if you grew up with your idea of stability being someone else's horror movie night. 
It's a spiral of misery, if you blame yourself for these seeking behaviors, I've learnt that I'm a magnet for bad people - maybe it's my other disorder, maybe it's my personality, but I do tend to get burned and even after years of getting to know trauma, I still fall for the trap, over and over again. 
Your eating disorder might've been born to help aid you in a time when people were controlling you and all you had was food, or maybe food made you sick, so you moved meals around, until meals simply ceased to exist. 
Whatever it is, you're not at fault for your past, even if your behaviors consistently led you to the same toxic outcomes. 
Sometimes, when we are alone, all we have are ourselves, but if faced with shitty circumstances, all we are left with feeling is an assumption of what is right and what is wrong - something that we don't get right, more often than not, especially if we have a spotty backstory. 
One thing that helped me, and I say this as an angry person, was thanking my eating disorder. 
I don't think you need to know why or when your eating disorder reared its head, all you need to know is that it was there to help. It was a toxic best friend that helped you numb and ignore everything else - whether that be trauma, stress, depression, or whatever. Thank it, because it was there when you felt alone, it held your hand and showed you a way to cope. That way clearly isn't helpful, it might've helped in the short term, but if you're reading this, a teaspoon of you wants recovery, so you know, deep down, that you have to let that friend go, appreciate them, acknowledge them and wave goodbye. 
You've got this and so do I.