Once I finally realized that I was sick and had an eating disorder, I was far beyond tiny, in fact I had more in common with a lamp post’s shadow, than a human being.
Some family members would try and persuade me into joining group therapy, saying it could be helpful, even beneficial to be around people who had similar struggles to myself, if not the exact same ones. I was always very hesitant, trying to explain to them that in this country, ARFID wasn’t a thing and I didn’t relate to anorexics who chased the wanting to be skinny and hunger high. 
I have since learned that eating disorders are, if simplified, all about control and the motivation doesn’t matter in the end. A starved brain isn’t much different than another starved brain, intentions don’t matter, through your eating disorder, you end up losing a sense of self and body image anyways. Whether or not I had ARFID didn’t matter, because in the end, I didn’t see myself as thin, deep down, even at my lowest weight, I knew that I was a stick, but my brain was convinced that I wasn’t, I was fat.
But that’s a story for another time.

I tried reaching out to my therapist, weighing the pros and cons and decided to give it a shot - at least I’d make said family members happy and I’d be able to convince them, that I do not, absolute do not under any circumstance have eating disorder of any sorts.
Low and behold, my therapist told me that group therapy is not an option for me due to my weight, in fact, they were considering dropping me as a patient, because my brain was too malnourished to accept therapy.
I felt very hurt by this, but it marked the day of my quasi recovery. I wanted to keep my therapist, I had known them for eight years at that point, I refused to go searching for someone else.
I couldn’t care less about being rejected to join group, I still didn’t think I was sick enough and I still didn’t really believe I was sick at all. Blissful denial.

So, that’s how this idea came to mind.
A big milestone in my quasi recovery was baking myself mini cakes in coquette Le Creusets that I started to amass quite the collection of. If food looked cute, it was easier to eat. 
I did this religiously for two months. It was still unhealthy, still restrictive and not nearly enough food, but, it was more, later I got hit by the harsh reality of recovery - more is not enough. Baby steps are not good enough, if you are one foot in the grave.
Though, my mini Le Creusets did help me rediscover my love for baking for myself, something I was doing previously, but convincing myself that whipped egg whites with a teaspoon of sugar split into twelve portions were good. I missed indulgent baking.

A lot of fears in eating disorders are related to high calorie foods, sugar and fat - things that make brain receptors happy, but our disordered receptors are so fucked up, that we are terrified of something like a grain of sugar. In our eyes that grain could easily make us gain 5kg. I won’t get into the why’s and what’s from a scientific standpoint, because, well, I am not a scientist, just a pissed off woman.
So, to cut this short, this is the reason why I decided to create this club.
Inspired by book club and fueled by my love for baking, sugar and anger. What a combo.

What’s the point? How does it work?
Every week, we will meet up on a call and choose a fear food at random - a fear food shared by a member of the group, then we will proceed to bake it together and eat it, all while chatting.

What is the goal?
It’s not only to get over our fear and have a wild ride, a lot of people with eating disorders (myself included) become isolated. We eat alone, forever in search of the perfect routine, we eat at specific times, we calorie bank, we put food on a pedestal. In recovery, this has a tendency to stick, except now you’re panicking and you might even feel regret or shame. So, let’s do this together. Support each other, maybe burn a pie and cry.

Does this sound like something you'd enjoy, or in terms of an eating disorder - does this concept terrify you? Are you already making lists of why not to join in your head? More reason to join! 
Post a comment down below, or feel free to contact me via the contact form!